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Friday, December 25th, 2009
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2:10 am
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Merry Christmas from New York City, guys. I might not be particularly religious, but there's not much else to say after coming out of a full-pomp, tridentine/latin midnight mass which was awesome (and slightly ridiculous in some of the logistics).
Although, I do have this to say: Difficulty levels rise exponentially as the hours progress.
AKA, things that you can do at 1pm (such as singing the Victoria O Magnum Mysterium without even looking at the music) become suddenly impossible at 1am.
That is all.
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| Tuesday, December 15th, 2009
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12:16 pm - eeeeew
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(Cough medicine is yucky. That is all.)
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7:31 am - YUUUUUUUCKY DAY.
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| Tuesday, November 24th, 2009
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6:43 am - Hm.
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So surprisingly, getting more sleep than usual the night before makes pulling an all-nighter much easier. Sweet.
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| Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
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10:47 pm - Ugh.
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I am so over this college thing already.
Unfortunately, this college thing is not over already.
(It is over for my boyfriend. In fact, I feel slightly bad re:that, because a week ago, when he announced that he was turning in his ED application, everyone, me included, said, "No, seriously. You?"
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| Saturday, November 21st, 2009
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5:50 pm - Whew
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Math and Chemistry finals done (I just have to turn in the Chem on Monday at 1:30). When I head out to dinner, will take my Latin studying with me. I'm worried that I'm writing off Physics as an unsalvageable disaster, which is bad because if it is a disaster I could fail the course, I think my grade is low enough for that to happen.
I really hope it doesn't.
So yeah.
I also should go practice this evening. Audition tape, see. Also, concert tomorrow and another on Monday, plus I'm seeing the musical. Plus, my English teacher still is being a completely flake on possibly turning in my final early so that I can actually go home for vacation... Gah.
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| Friday, November 20th, 2009
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7:45 pm - GRRRR
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OMFG I WILL GET THIS CROCHETING THING EVEN IF IT KILLS ME.
(PS, people who think crochet is easier? I disagree. A lot.)
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| Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
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9:38 pm - forsan et haec olim meminisse iuvabit
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See, I am not suicidal (I swear).
But sometimes it's hard to remember why.
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| Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009
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3:39 pm - I am a bouncing ball. I rebound, I deform elastically. Or at least I pretend it is so.
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I had another meeting with the counselor today. A few thoughts that are going through my head:
1. I think she's trying this tactic where, maybe if we sit in silence long enough, I'll say something useful and profound. Unfortunately, the longer we sit in silence, the more self-conscious I get, and as I get more self-conscious, I get even more silent. And awkward, because I start to try to control things like my picking and fidgiting and tension, and it just makes it occur in a different place, in a different way, whatever.
2. I know that "counselor" is used because it's nicer sounding than psychologist, especially to twitchy teenagers still suffering under the social stigma of mental health. It really turns me off, though. It makes me feel like I'm going to her to have her hold my hand and say "everything will be alright", and though I know that's not it, it's what I feel and it's absolutely not what I want. I don't think it helps that there are people for whom that is exactly what they want, and I don't think it helps that I don't know how a counselling session is actually supposed to go. I've never had a positive experience with serious counselling, you have to remember; the 6th grade ones were very negative and vaguely disastrous I sort of think now, and the current ones are very neutral so far (and I am not one to see the good in that neutralism).
3. Not quite related; when I live at home, I prefer a high protein low carb diet (and relatively high sodium, but I'm not in the mood to defend that one). I don't have that choice here. Cafeteria food is loaded with carbs and often somewhat low in protein. And fall-back meals are pretty much entirely carb based - pasta, sandwiches, etc. I do my best to head for the high protein and keep the carbs low, but there's only so much you can do. But I'm wondering how much that is playing a part in my inability to stay energized while here at school, along with the multitudes of other reasons I have and still am exploring.
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| Tuesday, October 27th, 2009
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7:56 pm - Dammit
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I just bought stuff! $40 worth of stuff! Am proud. This is big accomplishment for me. I did something to make me HAPPY!
Also, met with counsellor again today. Was not so bad. Still not comfortable. Still silent.
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| Wednesday, October 21st, 2009
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8:24 pm - *wants to pass out really badly*
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1. I love me aunt. She went to the korean market finally, and she brought me back a full box of (good) green tea.
2. Apparently, the one thing that really fucks up my mood and mental state is telling the counsellor about how my mood and mental state isn't particularly fucked up at the moment. Ironic much. I then went and fucked up my performance in the recital. Wasn't terrible, but man I could have and should have done much better.
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| Sunday, October 18th, 2009
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9:58 pm - *grumbles*
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I started another of my fingers bleeding just now. This is really starting to get pathetic.
Now I just wish I could find a way to stop tearing them apart.
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12:49 pm - moving slowly through slow waters
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I think this is the third time I've started this post. I swear, I'm making myself say it this time.
I had a hard week. There's a lot going on. For one thing, Wednesday was midterms. Midterms are weird here. They're not tests. Instead, it's when the teachers give us a preliminary grade. To let us see how we're doing. They're very controversial - in the English department especially, there's a habit of giving straight Bs regardless. Other time, in the English department, you fall into the trap I had, where I got a grade based off of two graded things... neither of which I had the opportunity to see beforehand. Meanwhile, my physics grade was a straight, beautiful C+, because I completely bombed the first quiz (that was a bad day) and while the following test was good, an 88% doesn't average out to an A. But anyway, midterms means the teachers push us really fast because they realize they don't have anything yet from us to base our grades on.
And then, it's parent's weekend, right now. During parent's weekend, not only do teachers lose Saturday Classes, but they also lose Monday Classes, plus they know that giving students homework is not worth it because almost everyone goes off campus.
So while all this means I'm relatively calm right now, it meant that last week has been very much a "must get through this section" week for my teachers.
Beyond that, a lot of classes were preparing for Friday, when your parents come with you to classes. We had to be performance ready for Orchestra and Concert Choir, my a cappella gorup was working overtime to be ready for Friday night.
And then I'm just a masochist. My physics class is ahead of my math class. I expected this. But I have test on Tuesday, and I don't know integrals, but I'm supposed to be calculating moments of inertia. Wading through equations copied down from the board, I sort of think I understand what's going on, where I'm supposed to be, what's supposed to be happening. But I don't know. And if I'm wrong, I'll be wrong on the test, which I don't need. I need to raise my grade. And when I'm not studying integrals online, I'm studying first year chemistry because my chemistry teacher 10th grade didn't actually teach us chemistry. And meanwhile I'm also in the madrigal singing group, which is on Thursdays during my only free period from 8 am until past 8 pm. And on Friday, I scheduled a meeting with the counsellor during a period I don't actually have free because I don't have any frees before 6.
And that's the other thing I want to mention.
Do you know what I mean if I say I'm steady? I don't quite know myself, but I can describe it. There's nothing particularly bad. There's nothing keeping me back, nothing tripping me, dumping me on my face or anything. I'm okay so far.
But I'm not good. I'm not skipping down the path. I'm constantly tired. I'm not waking up anymore - I wake up when I have to, but not earlier. Friday was the first time in three weeks I felt hungry, filled a plate with food that looked good and ate almost all of it, instead of heading to the dining hall because you're supposed to, taking a plate of whatever looks appetizing (which is usually almost nothing) and then only eating a few bites before throwing it out and moving on.
I haven't talked about this to my counsellor. I walked in, prepared to be all proactive and helpful and talkative, like I am here.
And I walk in, and I sit there, and I get steadily more silent. My eyes affix more steadfastly to the patterned rug. My leg bounces faster and more consistantly until it's almost dancing. I tear at my cuticles fiercely and more fiercely until they begin bleed. As we diverge away from opening pleasantries, which I know how to handle, which I know how to pretend, I don't know what to say. When she gets closer to touchy topics - that I don't have best friends, that I don't have methods of destressing, at least not ones I can use here, that I don't understand why I get so screwed up all of a sudden every term so I don't know how to avoid it - I get less comfortable, and more silent.
She said one thing that I appreciated a lot, that I was thinking and wasn't saying because I don't know how to say it - that at least for now, we should meet weekly, so we can try and become more comfortable with each other.
That, and she remembered that I had said that I had a bad experience with counselling in the past, which is why the fact that I asked for an appointment at all is pretty astonishing. It involved late night rambling.
I don't know why I'm so tense with her. I know she's sworn to confidentiality. I know she's trained to help me. I know I'm not particularly fucked up compared to some people.
It doesn't make it easier.
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| Sunday, August 30th, 2009
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3:25 pm - *dances*
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| Sunday, August 9th, 2009
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11:33 pm
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You know, I know and accept that I'm completely an idiot and in the wrong here and if I'd just been smart for once in my fucking useless life I'd have asked for the information,
but for once I'd like for my mom to not assume that I can read her mind and just automatically know what the fucking plan is and that it's changed since the "definite" time frame she told me last week. If she doesn't fucking tell me that she's changed the date, I'm not going to fucking know.
And is it really so hard to think, "Okay, I've set up this event at Dartmouth, let me fire off a quick email telling Dunvi that"?
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| Friday, July 31st, 2009
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1:44 pm
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FUCK YOU, EXTERNAL HARD DRIVE. FUCK YOU.
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| Thursday, July 30th, 2009
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5:59 pm - think overload
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I think this is the first time I've ever said this, but I want my camera. I and photography skillz - that one's not a new wish, though. I have so many knitting type stuff to put up on Ravelry that I really want to get out.
Thinking of Ravelry, I've really jumped into a whole load of discussions that are not exactly "comfortable" for me. I don't know *why* I do that so much, except I sort of do. I think, for me, working through my Capital-I-Issues in a public way is really beneficial to me - it forces me to think things through, thus why I keep the blog that no one reads. *shrug* Doing it in a public forum adds another dimension - it forces me to to think beyond the personal, selfish level I stend to stick to on the blog. On the blog, I'm thinking about how I do this or that, or don't, and what this means to me. In the forum, I'm trying to widen my scope. How does my reaction relate to others? How does it totally not? What have I actually learned from this, what can others?
I've been quiet, basically, because I've been thinking about quieting things. The fact that my relationship with my mom is fucked up and it's undeniably at least partially my fault is not something I like bouncing around about.
But I'm thinking too much now. So I will instead describe my new-found solution to my failing laptop fan - a fan! No seriously. I have a fan next to my computer, and all of a sudden I can run Pidgin and Foobar and Firefox and IE and Photoshop all at once, and my computer doesn't start burning my skin off at the wrists. Brilliant, y/y?
Oh, and I officially got into my physics and calculus classes for next year, so one deep breath available for the taking!
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| Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009
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1:11 am - EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
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1. Dear y=(2^x)/(2+2^x), why are you refusing to let me prove that you have half-turn symmetry around (1, .5)? I know you do. I even had it confirmed. So why am I getting weird things like 8 when I try to prove you?
2. Dear physics + not-total-calc-experience, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. That is all.
3. Yay self-knitted fishnet stockings!
4. Boo yarn that was sort of ugly when knitted up (it looked like a nice mix of red-purple-blue in the skein. Instead it knitted up to be blindingly-bright orange with flashing blue and some read and purple hiding around. Not quite as nice. I have plans, but it's not going to be the gift socks I was thinking. Need new yarn.
5. German fail. I know we're forming past with haben/sein + participle. So why did I replace all of the habens with gehen? FAIL, Dunvi, FAIL.
6. ... I think my mom ordered me a graduation dress. That cost $60 on Ebay which is sort of EEEEEEEEEE!!! in a good way. And it is the sort of thing I like, I think. Hopefully it'll fit. It had no measurements included, just a size.
7. Thinking of clothes, H&M fail. Sale racks held fifty thousand large-size flary jeans, a cut I would have been perfectly happy with. Sale racks held fifty thousand my-tiny-size wide-leg jeans, a cut which makes me look like I'm either hiding balloons under my skin, or a three foot long penis. And sale racks held a couple of jeans in okay or perfect styles (Sqin is not my type, because skinny-leg+me only proves that I have no muscle, instead of looking fitted and slick. Star or Chiq would be the perfect cut) but these were all too small for me. There was one pair of jeans - one - that fit right and looked good too. It also was obviously on the sale-racks because the zipper was trashed. FAIL.
8. And thinking of clothes, I also stopped at this fancy-dress store also along Maria Hilferstrasse. *drool*. I stand by what I said before - I don't want to go prom, but I seriously want a prom dress.
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| Sunday, July 19th, 2009
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2:15 pm - self-confidence fail
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| Thursday, July 16th, 2009
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1:47 am - A really small but incredibly annoying way right-handed bias shows up -
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Take off your bra with one hand.
You did it with your right, right? I bet you did. Put it back on and see how you did it. You do it by pinching the fabric at the back where it clasps, and then the design allows the hooks to naturally slide out of the loops.
Now try doing it with your left hand.
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